Godly Communication 101: Patterns to Avoid

Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way. (James 3:2)

The key word here is control. We can demonstrate almost all the fruits of the spirit in our conversations but the anchor fruit for Godly communication I would say, is self control. What is Godly communication? This refers to communicating in a way that is pleasing to God. The bible describes our tongue as such a powerful thing, whether it is used responsibly or irresponsibly it has the power to affect our lives and that of others. From our ministry, to our relationships, to our finances, our careers, even our sense of self. The apostle James compares it to the rudder of a ship, the bridle of a horse, the spark that starts a fire. This speaks to our tongue’s ability to control, to influence direction, to set the pace and to destroy. What do we mean by the tongue? are we talking about that organ nestled safely behind our lips, that enables us to relish flavourful dishes? It can’t possibly be this tongue, an evil genius that gives us such joy in the day but then parades as a villainous tyrant when we’re not watching; setting fire to our most sacred relationships, setting a course to destruction unknown to us… nah can’t be.

The tongue in this context speaks to our ability to give life to our thoughts. How do we give life to our thoughts, by using words. This is our human super power. Our words have the ability to create worlds, paint vivid images, bringing memories to life, fears to life, hopes and dreams to life. When it’s in our heads, it’s private, its raw and unpublished, when it has escaped our lips it’s alive, contextualized and has transferred from the private recesses of your mind to another persons mind. There it can be grow, reproduce and impact the inner narrative of that person which then influences what they give life.

In this post we want to focus on communication patterns Christians should consistently avoid. Here are some of the main ones we would like to highlight:

1. Harsh or abrasive tones

Proverbs 15:1 says, “a soft answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger”. You would think that as long as you are saying the right things how you say it does not matter. It may not matter to you because you know what your intentions are, but I can guarantee that it matter to the person to whom it is being directed to. You may come from a background where persons might have yelled at you, was gruff and sharp and taught you to toughen up and stop being offended about how people speak to you because it’s for your own good. However, it is wise to not just carry forward patterns simply because it was what we learned. The bible describes the wisdom in attentiveness to tone, as does relationship research that encourages gentle start ups as a means of diffusing conflicting before it starts by minimizing defensiveness.

2. Nagging and quarrelling

Take a look at these verses:

Proverbs 21:9
It is better to live in a corner of the housetop, than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Prov 21:19
It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.
Prov 27:15
A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike.
Prov 25:24
It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Prov 19:13
A foolish son is ruin to his father, and a wife’s quarrelling is a continual dripping of rain.

Need we say more about this topic? Okay I know what you’re thinking why are these verses pointing so directly at women specifically wives and mothers? It’s not that men do not nag or quarrel, but the texts highlight what it is like to be in the space of such a person. We can speak more about the gender distinctions in another post on this topic. But for now let’s focus on the pattern itself. Whether you are male or female, a pattern of harassing someone to do something or going on and on about their failure to do so, is not an effective way of getting them to do it. The bible warns this pattern drives people away, and if people are running away from you, you may not get that thing done after all, or they may do it simply to stop the harassment.

3. Grumbling and complaining

What does it mean to grumble? it means to murmur, mutter, say anything against in a low tone, of those who confer secretly together, those who discontentedly complain.
Philippians 2:14: Do all things without grumbling or disputing;
1 Peter 4:9: Be hospitable to one another without complaint.
James 5:9: Do not complain, brethren, against one another, so that you yourselves may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing right at the door.
1 Corinthians 10:10: Nor grumble, as some of them did, and were destroyed by the destroyer.

This is how most of us deal with our dissatisfaction, we grumble and complain, we pull others together to support our displeasure often against someone, a decision they’ve made or the way something is being done. Nothing is wrong with disapproving of something, but we need to be careful of taking our displeasure sharing it around in search of support and not going to the person or trying to sort out the issue. The bible speaks specifically of the situation with Moses and the Israelites in the wilderness, how the people were ungrateful and despite all Moses did for them, and the position given to him by God, they complained and grumbled among themselves. Be careful, especially when it comes to our spiritual leaders and their decisions, grumbling and complaining often comes down to an attitude problem. You can express disapproval humbly and respectfully in a way that pleases God.

4. Gossip

What is gossip? Having conversations about others, or bringing news about others, or sharing details about a person that may not necessarily be true or accurate. When it comes to Godly communication its not just how we say things, but what we say, the content of our conversation, and if the content of your conversation is about another person, with intimate details about a situation that you probably shouldn’t know because you weren’t there, then be careful.

What are the dangers of gossip?
Proverbs 16:28: A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.

Gossip:
• Damages relationships
• Affects our witness (because it’s not a godly behaviour)
• Affects our trustworthiness
How should we deal with information that we receive about others? Leave it right there. Do not prolong conversations that you realize might be going in such a direction, do not share such information; let it die with you.

5. Lies

For most of us this pattern of communication is one of the main ones we have learned was wrong from as early as childhood. From the early stages of our lives most of us are taught about the dangers of telling lies, bringing false news, telling stories, not being like the boy who cried wolf. Regardless, this is a communication pattern that ravages our relationships. Why? Because it’s so easy to do right? Just a little fib here and I can “save face”, or avoid this consequence, or avoid discomfort or responsibility. Lying is a communication pattern of avoidance, because facing up to truth can be a scary, uncomfortable thing.

Eph 4:25: So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body.

Prov 12: 22: The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.

Colossians 3:9-10: Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.

Regardless of how easy lying might be, it is not acceptable for those who claim to follow Christ and it is not without it’s consequence. Truth has a way of revealing itself and when it does, liars are exposed, trust is destroyed, relationships lie in pieces. More so, as believers we live our lives before the eyes of the every present God, who sees all, knows all and judges all.

Eph 4: 29: Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

We hope this post was valuable to you and that you continue to be deliberate in your walk with Christ. If you haven’t watched our segment on Hope FM 103.1, Grenada’s Gospel Radio station, where we discussed this very topic, you can head over to their Facebook page or YouTube page and take a look at it, along with all the other valuable topics they regularly explore there. Be sure to check back for our upcoming post Godly Communication 102. Remember to like, share, subscribe!

Be a blessing.