Relationship Resolution: Valuing others so they know
As we resolve to improve our relationships this year (see post here) let’s hone in on an important principle towards that end: Genuinely valuing others. It’s easy to say that we do this and most of us, deep down inside probably do. Much like that mother who constantly tells her daughter that she won’t amount to anything because she consistently gets into trouble or fails at math, or that father whose major points of interaction with his son is to give him instructions or point out all the ways he’s doing it wrong, deep down they know how much they value their children. But here’s the hard truth, it does not matter how much you value someone if they do not feel valued by you (unless they are psychologically incapable of perceiving love).
That said, I would like to highlight some keys to valuing others in a way that they can feel and respond to:
1. Be interested: everyone has an innate desire to be found interesting. Maybe it comes from the very first time our parents leap with excitement at our first step or word, or maybe it comes from our human need to belong and be loved. In order for someone to feel valued they must sense your genuine interest and in order to be able to do that we must learn to get out of our heads and take our focus off of ourselves and our interests. Men tend to have different interests and view situations differently from women and vice versa. Making someone (a significant other for example) feel valued by you, may simply mean acknowledging to yourself that though it might not be interesting to me, it is interesting to them and so because I care about them, I will care enough to show them that I am. So when talking to them, talk in terms of their interests, their dreams, their goals. Don’t worry you’ll get your turn. I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t be selfish.
2. Be pleasant: sometimes a stoic expression or grumpy demeanor feels like the right way to present ourselves because it protects us from being advantaged. And I guess depending on your line of work or responsibilities it may very well have its place. But when it comes to people that we care about or would like to build relationship with, it’s important that we drop our defenses and let a little heart shine through. People tend to feel more relaxed and are more willing to open up to you if they aren’t focused on trying to figure out what you’re thinking behind your frown or what they did wrong. Being pleasant makes others feel like being with them is something that you genuinely enjoy, and guess what? Then they feel valued.
3. Make them feel important, sincerely: I am not very good with names and I tend to tell people this when I am introduced to them for the first time. Particularly in large group settings, but when I do this it’s not as an excuse for forgetting their names, it’s an excuse for taking great lengths to learn it. So then when I repeat their names several times during our conversation, or make a great effort to get the pronunciation right (some people get annoyed with this) my hope is that they value my attempts to learn their names even though it doesn’t come naturally to me to do so. People want to feel important to you, whether it’s by remembering their name and calling them by it when they see you, or remembering their interests. Something as simple as buying something in their favourite colour or surprising them with a favourite snack or trip to a special place, can make others see how valuable they are to you.
4. Listen: In everything that I mentioned before, it seems like being a good listener is kind of understood. However, I don’t want to take any chances. Being a good listener means listening to understand, not to respond (I have to admit I do this so much better with friends and acquaintances than I do with family). It might seem simple, but as you become more comfortable with a person the easier automatic listening becomes. What is automatic listening, listening with the assumption that you know where this conversation is going, or what the person is trying to say. We can easily get to a point where we feel like we know someone so well that we can read their minds. But the reality is that people are changing everyday, they are learning new things, developing values and being affected by experiences. If we are not conscious of this fact, we can easily get to the place where we realize “I don’t know this person anymore.”
Being an active listener on the other hand means noticing the changes in tone, demeanor, expressions and being able to pinpoint things that are note worthy. I don’t know about you, but I love it when someone I care about says something along the lines of “but wait that doesn’t sound like something you would do/or say, what really happened to make you respond that way?”, to which I respond “marry me!!” (Just kidding, no one should so desperately need to be heard, and that’s why you need to ensure that the people in your life do not get to the point where they are desperate to be heard).
And that about sums it up for today. Now if you take a birds eye view of these points, one thing will stand out; if you actively listen, one thing will shout loudly back at you; BE ATTENTIVE to those around you. Practice this as part of your relationship resolution and I’m sure you will see results (of course results may vary, contingency plans currently unavailable).
Be a blessing,
KellyP
Kelly is the founder of Royalty Press United. Author of the Gemstone Royals fantasy series, Twist of Faith and Crossroads. Counseling psychologist, proud Grenadian and devoted follower of Christ.
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