Why her NEEDS matter
“He’s not meeting my needs anymore!” “Doesn’t he know I have needs!” This can often be the cry of a relationship in crisis. Or sometimes a woman may be a bit more vague… they may say something like “you know what? I’m just not happy here anymore.” It’s at this point that a man may scratch his head and wonder what in the world is she talking about? I’m faithful, I’m working hard, I provide. What more could she possibly want?
Ha! Guess what? This isn’t a gender biased post at all; women are not the only ones with needs in a relationship. But for whatever reason you’re here, please keep reading. 😊
What does a person, man or woman, do when faced with such an accusation by someone they care about? Yes we know that ideally no other person should be responsible for our happiness, but rather it should be a choice that we make to be happy. But let’s not fool ourselves, often when someone makes the statement “I’m not responsible for your happiness, you are!” it’s because they don’t want to take responsibility for the fact that they play a huge part in that as well.
The reality is that we choose to add people to our lives because some way or another they meet a need of ours that we can’t or would prefer not to meet ourselves. When we agree to be in a relationship with someone, it is a choice we are making to agree to meet needs that they have presented to us. So having established here that your partners ‘need’ is rightly within your responsibility. It now makes sense to try to understand it.
We all have needs, as a matter of fact our needs are the driving force behind much of what we do. It’s what motivates us to get out of bed in the morning, to pursue certain goals and to make certain connections. To cook a particular meal, or go to the gym even when we don’t feel like it. It is often the reason that a person chooses another person over another, or struggles to make such a decision? Often times it is about whether that person is able to meet a need. No one should be ridiculed for admitting to needing someone.
The word need, refers to something that cannot be taken for granted. It isn’t merely a want, the key word in its description being “force” or “drive”. It is a necessity . When something is a necessity, we have to learn to prioritize it or it can result in some level of malfunction. Fuel is a necessity for a car to function, which means that when the warning light comes on, the driver immediately seeks to find the nearest place to refill. We do this for so many “necessities” in our every day lives, yet when it comes to those we love and care for, our approach tends to be… it’s not that important.
A key aspect of successful relationships is learning to meet the needs of each other. We all have needs, and these extend to our human psychological needs and social needs which are closely connected to how we relate to others. Happiness in a relationship, a job etc is need based. As we further explore this topic, we will look at how our individual differences affect our needs. The essence of this post is this: the people you care about have needs to be met and so a major aspect of maintaining healthy relationships is accepting that you have a responsibility to understand what those needs are and to respond to them.
So before you trivialize your partner’s complaint to you about where you may not be living up to their expectations, consider the importance of and legitimacy of needs and the role of relationships in meeting them.
Be a blessing,
KellyP
Kelly is the founder of Royalty Press United. Author of the Gemstone Royals fantasy series, Twist of Faith and Crossroads. Counseling psychologist, proud Grenadian and devoted follower of Christ.
